We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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