I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
