Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just found puke in my bra..
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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