I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
