I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
