take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
All I want is dick and wine.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
