I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
