Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
