my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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