So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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