Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
