People in love make me want to vomit
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
