This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
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I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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