I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
