Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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