I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
