After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
