if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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