so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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