It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
People in love make me want to vomit
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
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I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
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I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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