Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
