If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
