Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
