im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
