May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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