dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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