I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
