wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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