i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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