when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
