theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
