I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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