Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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