I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
organizing the empties. That sober.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize