if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
