i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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