I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Randomize
