That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
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Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
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I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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