ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
