Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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