My cat gives me a boner
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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