You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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