the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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