The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you win again, gameday.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.