I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
