Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
