how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
