so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
