my mouth tastes like poor choices
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
