Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
