chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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