wakey wakey hands off snakey
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
