miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
