Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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