There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
