Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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