I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
