There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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