Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
