Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.